Lately I’ve been working with a lot of parents who want to learn the best way to help their tweens and teens grow their independence and leadership skills. One can’t be an effective leader of others if they are unsure of their own capabilities and unclear with their communication skills. National Leadership Day is Thursday February 20th, 2025 so the timing is perfect.
When I ask female clients to define leadership and the qualities a good leader has, they usually say things like “A good leader always knows what to do”, “A good leader makes sure everyone feels comfortable” and “A good leader listens to everyone’s ideas”. Sometimes they are able to take it a step further and say that additionally, a good leader is able to develop a plan from the ideas the group has contributed. I always point out that a good leader doesn’t have to do know what to do immediately but has to discern and assess ideas and then have the courage to develop a plan. When I ask my male clients the same question, I typically get “A good leaders knows what to do and tells everyone to do it.” Interesting how differently they see it. When I press my clients and ask if they personally want to be a leader, the girls typically say no and the boys are usually ready to take on the task. None of these answers surprise me but it shows me how to approach teaching and discussing leadership skills with them.
Leadership skills are important to possess, whether someone has their sights set on being a leader or not. Sometimes you get pressed into service out of necessity and sometimes a passion rises to the surface and takes you by surprise – when that happens and you want to take action, leadership skills are good to have.
What strategies can parents employ at home that encourage independence and grow leadership skills? There are many things that seem small but really add up; after reading “The Gift of Failure” by Jessica Lahey with my Chapters in Parenting free online book club this past week, I’m convinced that trusting kids with tasks they can handle (and might mess up at first) and not jumping in to rescue them without allowing them the chance to figure it out themselves is the way to go.
Does your child make his or her own lunch? Even if they are small, they can participate in some way to help you do it; they can bring you the items from the fridge or the pantry, they can be responsible for washing out their lunch box, or they could wash their own apple or bag up their own carrot sticks. You get the idea. What about laundry? Most kids ages 12+ are capable of doing their own laundry if they’ve been taught. You might have to type up an instruction sheet and tape it to the laundry room wall, but they can do it. A client’s mom came up with a great solution: she makes sure that all the sports uniforms are clean and ready so there’s no “game day drama” but the kid is responsible for the rest. That way, if her favorite sweatshirt is dirty when she wants to wear it, it’s on her and she figures out how to not have that happen next time. I highly suggest you read the book – it’s not judgmental in the least and although you might feel called out by certain chapters (as one book club participant noticed) it gives you a starting point to implement ideas that build independence that can lead to the development of leaderships qualities.
As for communication and listening skills, these grow with time and maturity but when you model them, stay clear with boundaries, and remain consistent with expectations, your kids see these things and internalize them. They may not appreciate it yet but in time they may and they’ll be able to do the same when they are put in positions of trust.
I hope you’ll join us for the next Chapters in Parenting book club where we’ll discuss “Middle School Makeover” by Michelle Icard. Middle school is a huge leap academically, socially, and emotionally. Let’s discover and discuss strategies to make it successful for everyone.